FACING THE DAY

*Erica woke up with a feeling of dread. Although outside the sky was blue and promising, her thoughts were already forming like drab, gray clouds.

Erica experiences a common problem. Although the external details of her life are going moderately well, she has difficulty facing each day. Sometimes she lingers over her morning coffee, worrying about whether or not her business will continue to be successful. Sometimes she thinks about remarks friends have made, and wonders if they have become critical of her. As she goes about her daily skin care regime, she feels doubtful about whether or not she can maintain respect in the eyes of others. Sometimes she even wishes she could stay at home and pull the covers over her head.

Most of all, Erica hopes that her lack of confidence will not be noticeable to her boyfriend Robert—a man who seems to jump out of bed and greet each new day with confidence and enthusiasm.

People who have difficulty ‘getting started’ commonly experience a variety of unsettling emotions, such as hopelessness, futility, worry, and the conviction that their destiny is not securely in their own hands. Frequently, they long to stay ‘safely’ at home instead of facing their job, co-workers and other obligations.

Individuals who experience anxiety at the beginning of the day frequently rationalize that they are merely dreading tasks and responsibilities. Often this is true and they are genuinely overworked or overwhelmed. Sometimes, however, they are responding to deeper psychological fears that could better be managed through insight and understanding.

What emotional conflicts create early-morning dread? And what is the best way to resolve them?

Often, people who have trouble beginning the day harbor a deep, unconscious conviction that they are not emotionally supported or loved. On the surface, problems getting up in the morning being tied to unconscious fears of being unloved may seem like a stretch. But this problem—frequently seen in psychotherapy—is often proven to stem from childhood experiences of repeated misunderstandings and lack of a secure emotional tie to the parents. For example, adults who felt loved as children are more likely to store positive memories to fall back upon at the beginning of each new day. These warm experiences and memories form a loving blanket that wraps itself around the person’s life, making him feel safe and secure. Conversely, children who are surrounded by fighting and conflict miss out on the constancy and reinforcement that makes for feelings of security and safety in adulthood.

Despair about finding love and care can be carried into otherwise healthy relationships, creating a deep mistrust towards others and a concomitant belief that the world is not a safe place. Hence, getting out of bed can actually be subconsciously perceived as putting oneself at risk!

In therapy, Erica eventually realized that she was vulnerable to feeling unloved and unsupported. Although she was respected and well-liked, she unconsciously did not trust the caring that was offered to her. She commonly felt that others were talking about her. And she often felt that her friends were not genuine or compassionate. Erica’s mistrust made her vulnerable to forming relationships where she did all of the work and felt afraid to stand up for herself, and asked for little from her friends.

Erica’s unconscious conviction that others did not care also made the world feel alien and unsafe. For instance, she did not feel confident and proud at work. Nor did she feel that she could turn to others for friendship and support. Because she mistrusted people, she began to invest her emotional energy primarily into her home rather than into human relationships. This in turn made it difficult to leave the house—her only ‘safe haven’—in the morning.

Other psychological conflicts can create early-morning dread, as well. Among them are depression and anxiety. Both depression and anxiety may feel heightened at the beginning of the day. And even the healthiest of individuals may have increased difficulty managing feelings in the morning.

Sometimes, posing a few simple questions upon awakening can be sufficient to establish confidence and enthusiasm. For example:

• Am I experiencing dread? If so, what am I dreading and why?
• Is there a task or responsibility I am avoiding? How can I address and resolve this outstanding obligation? Am I willing to acknowledge my limitations and turn to others for help?
• Are my self-expectations appropriate to my abilities? Do I have the time, money and resources to accomplish my goals or am I expecting too much from myself?
• Am I deluding myself about my needs? Have I been working too much or too little? Why?
• Do I have at least one relationship that gives my life joy and meaning? If not, how come?

It is difficult to face the day when self-expectations are not appropriate to one’s resources or capabilities. For instance, expectations that one should find a boyfriend today, lose ten pounds by the end of the week, and become a multi-millionaire by the end of the year can create almost insurmountable feelings of dread!

People who are ‘easy’ on themselves are much more likely to greet the rising of the sun enthusiastically. Their healthy expectations take into account the slow-building nature of a progressive, accomplished life. And their moderate, reasonable expectations propel them outside the walls of their safe haven and into new and satisfying experiences.