THE SIMPLE TRUTH ABOUT HAPPINESS

AXIOM #1: HAPPINES IS POSSESSING THE STRENGTH OF CHARACTER TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES

Imagine for a moment that you are watching a film. The events in the film are your future life, and the main character is you. From the vantage point of the observer, you watch as your life unfolds. You observe the successes and failures of your career. You watch as your relationships deepen, mature and change. You are able to see from a bird’s eye perspective the events that will influence and shape your life. You watch romances, unions, deaths, graduations—the ceremonies of a life fully lived.

Now imagine that you discover that your life will be a happy one. To what would you attribute the joy and happiness of your future life? Would you walk away from the movie theater and say, “Life is going to deal me a pretty good hand?” Or would you reflect on the events that transpire and say, “I’m glad I know how to choose well?”

If you are of the former mind set (life dealt me a pretty good hand), then you have not yet learned the simple truth about happiness. If you said, “I’m glad I chose well”, then you are well on your way to understanding the secret of joyful living.

Developing a philosophy about happiness is important. Indeed, one of the most common questions I face in my psychotherapy practice is, “How can I find happiness?” Of course, the question is rarely asked directly. It usually surfaces in the form of statements such as “I wish I felt good today.” “Why as I so depressed?” “I want that feeling of joy in my life again…” “I want to be a bubbly, charismatic person.”

Throughout my years of clinical work, I have made the observation that people who struggle unsuccessfully with happiness adhere to the philosophy that happiness will magically come to them. They hope to possess happiness—much as one would buy or possess a valuable item. Or they wait for outside circumstance to bestow happiness upon them. “If I won the lottery I know I’d be happy”, or “If I just had the right relationship, I just know I’d be happy and content for the rest of my life!”

Although the popular saying “Happiness is a choice” may be appealing, it is really a distortion of the following simple truth: “Happiness is possessing the strength of character to make good choices.”

This simple truth means that happiness is a by-product, and not a commodity that can be possessed or bought. The simple act of making good choices, one at a time, is the only way that happiness can naturally be obtained. These choices can be as simple as standing up for oneself, or as complex as learning to think for oneself or preparing for the future.

Even the smallest of choices have the power to exert a great influence on our lives. I like to think of choices as being like the rudder on a very large ship. Despite the disproportionately small size of the rudder in comparison to the larger vessel, even a small shift can greatly alter the ship’s course.

For instance, the moment a woman asks a man to put on a condom during sex she is potentially altering the course of both their lives. Making the choice to use this small prophylactic may determine whether the final years of both their lives are spent in convalescence or in happy retirement. And the moment one decides to abandon a destructive environment or relationship, they are potentially influencing whether their future years will be lived in a depressed or emotionally fulfilled state of mind.

In order to live a happy life, one must set his/her course and learn to value the impact of smaller choices along the way. Setting a course means being able to focus on one’s ultimate destination, despite temporary fluctuations and setbacks.

Do you want to be financially successful? Healthy? Loved? In love? What small choices may determine the long-term course that you have set? Learning to think for yourself? Learning to say “No”? Obtaining an education? Practicing safe sex? Investing emotionally in those who are important to you? Seeking sound advice? Learning to separate from the inequities of youth or the collective prejudices of society?

Many of my patients enter psychotherapy with the hope that they will quickly find one simple clue or answer that will immediately bring happiness into their lives. What they eventually come to realize is that happiness is the by-product of good choices made daily, rather than a quick fix.

Previously on the subject of happiness, I explored the following axiom: Happiness is possessing the strength of character to make good choices. I explored the observation that people who struggle unsuccessfully with happiness adhere to the philosophy that happiness will magically come to them. They hope to possess happiness—much as one would buy or possess a valuable item. Or they wait for outside circumstance to bestow happiness upon them. “If I won the lottery I know I’d be happy”, or “If I just had the right relationship, I just know I’d be happy and content for the rest of my life!”

Contrary to popular thought, happiness is a by-product of daily choices rather than a commodity that can be possessed or bought. This means that through the simple act of making good choices, one at a time, happiness can naturally be obtained. These choices can be as simple as standing up for oneself, or as complex as learning to think for oneself or preparing for the future.

Those who live happy lives appreciate the impact of cumulative, small choices along the way. And although they might hope for one simple clue or answer that will immediately bring joy into their lives, they also understand that good choices, made one by one over the course of a lifetime, are more fruitful and rewarding than the seductive, quick fix.

AXIOM #2: HAPPINESS IS POSSESSING THE CAPACITY FOR INNER TRANSFORMATION

In order to be happy, one must also develop the depth of character and insight to make personal changes. I like the writings of the early Quakers, who wrote about the process of personal change. They believed that personal change, or transformation, was possible through living a disciplined life. Richard Foster, a Quaker philosopher, writes, “Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem. The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people.”

The great Catholic mystics such as Augustine and Thomas of Aquinas practiced the art of inner transformation through disciplines such as solitude, meditation and study. In our modern day culture, we have neglected the disciplines embraced by each of the four major world religions -disciplines that have the power to transform us into healthier, more centered people. Leo Tolstoy, the great Russian philosopher and author of War And Peace, once observed, “Everybody thinks of changing humanity and nobody thinks of changing himself.”

Learning to bring about personal change creates the possibility for taking responsibility for one’s personal happiness. It creates the possibility of an inner life which is calm and impervious to the ups and downs of life. It creates the possibility for understanding the storm of emotions which can so easily overtake us. It creates the possibility for freedom from ingrained habits. It creates the possibility for thinking outside the box, and evolving to new levels of achievement.

Learning the simple truth that happiness springs from the capacity for inner change is important, because inner change is more powerful than manipulation of external circumstances and events. In other words, learning to change oneself is the only way to change one’s world.

Lessons in inner transformation can be learned from others who learned to cope in the face of difficult circumstances. I have been personally influenced by the story of the eminent author, psychiatrist and philosopher, Victor Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a long-time prisoner in Nazi held concentration camps. His mother, father, brother and wife all perished in the camps or were sent to gas ovens. Only his sister survived.

Dr. Frankl was subjected to all sorts of concentration camp atrocities—hunger, cold, deprivation, the loss of personal belongings and the loss of choice. After surviving degradation and torture, Dr. Frankl made a great discovery which he writes about in the book MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING. In this book, he writes, “The last human freedom is the ability to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”

Dr. Frankl, amidst catastrophic circumstances, discovered that peaceful security ultimately comes from within, and is dependent upon how we choose to think and feel about the situations in which we find ourselves.

Perhaps freedom and happiness is not solely dependent upon social phenomena such as group tolerance, acceptance, compassion and understanding. Perhaps the final frontier of freedom involves the choice to look inward, the ability to effect personal change and the ability to value the myriad of smaller choices that ultimately effect our level of satisfaction and the quality of our lives.