Q & A
Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall
Q: Let’s face it—our partners
do things (almost daily!) that can really bug
us, but how can we tell if these issues are deal
breakers? What are some of the warning signs?
A: A deal breaker isn’t just an annoying habit
but something that seriously undermines your
cherished hopes for the relationship. When you
find yourself dwelling on a character defect
or attitude—even something that may seem not
seem critical on the surface—it points to larger
issues in the relationship: it’s the tip of the
misery iceberg. When you work harder than he
does to fix the relationship, if he lacks the
capacity and/or the interest to change, or if
you care more about him than he seems to care
about you, these are warning signs of deal breakers.
Finally, when you become preoccupied with the
future because the present is so miserable, that’s
a clear sign that things aren’t the way they
should be.
Q: Can deal breakers be fixed? How can we tell
if these negative patterns can be resolved or
if we’re just spinning our wheels?
A: The first step is to define the problem and
decide how bad it is, then set a time limit for
improvement or resolution. Reveal your feelings
to your guy and see how he responds. If he responds
well and takes action to improve himself and
the issues you bring up, you’re not spinning
your wheels. Define for him the problem, but
then he needs to reach for his own solution.
In those cases where a man sincerely wants to
change but doesn’t know how to get started, it’s
okay for a woman to steer him in the right direction
but he has to work on it after that. In order
to move forward, there must be steady signs of
improvement, rather than a burst of activity
and seemingly good intentions that then fall
flat.
Q: In your book you describe five different
types of emotionally unhealthy men and the deal
breakers they present. What are some of the more
common deal breakers we might encounter?
A: Lack of reciprocal emotional investment is
a common deal breaker—when you’re more committed
than he is to discussing and salvaging the relationship.
Another common deal breaker is when you’re chronically
misunderstood by the man in your life. Each of
the five types of emotionally unhealthy men I
describe in my book has a tendency to cast women
in a certain role that has noting to do with
who they really are. Once you’re cast in a role
by a man, you’re no longer yourself. For example,
the Man in Charge sees you as a helpless child,
incapable and in need of help, and treats you
accordingly. The Little Boy Who Poses as a Man
casts you as his mommy—your role is to make his
life better as you do all the giving and he does
all the taking. These men are not able or not
interested in seeing you as you really are and
as a result, you may find yourself expressing
thoughts and feelings that are not really your
own.
Q: What does it say about us that we choose
to get involved with these men?
A: Women repeat old, often negative patterns
from childhood in an attempt to make them better.
They always hope, unrealistically, that this
time it will be different. We’ve all heard people
say that you marry someone similar to your mother
or father because they’re familiar to you. Not
true. You marry a man like your father not because
he’s familiar but because you’re trying to work
out past issues. If you can get your partner
to change, you’re getting past the past. Some
women don’t know any better—they were brought
up in depriving households which instilled in
them the tendency to try to turn a crumb into
a feast, and so they find themselves in unfulfilling
relationships. And in some cases, women may be
trying to get the recognition in their relationship
that they didn’t get as a kid.
Q: How can women who have encountered deal breakers
in the past identify their negative relationship
patterns so they can avoid them in the future?
A: First of all, women have to be brave enough
to choose someone completely different from their
usual “type,” since the men they are usually
attracted to aren’t right for them. You must
be aware of everything a man makes you feel about
yourself, starting with the first date. Even
though we’re generally on our best behavior during
the early stages of a relationship, there are
usually warning signs, even early on. If you
feel unusually strong feelings when you’re with
a man that don’t fit how you see yourself and
how everyone else treats you, pay attention.
For example, if he makes you feel really bad
about being five minutes late for a date, this
tendency of his to put you down will get worse
as the relationship progresses. Pay attention
to the stories a man tells about himself and
what they say about him and his past relationship
patterns. If you don’t like what you hear, get
out!
Q: You refer to The Merry Go Round syndrome—when
both people in the relationship want different
things but he is unwilling to change, and she
is unwilling to confront the reality of what
is happening in the relationship. What are the
signs that we may be on a Merry-Go-Round? Why
do we stay on the Merry-Go-Round when it’s so
unhealthy?
A: When we’re more committed to who he could
be but we’re missing the present, we’re on a
Merry-Go-Round. If there’s some change but not
enough to satisfy you or if he fixes a problem
but doesn’t address the issue, or reaches for
solutions but they’re the wrong ones, those are
also signs of being on a Merry-Go-Round. For
example, you’ve wanted to talk about marriage
but he has refused. Finally he blurts out, “Okay,
let’s go buy a ring.” You may have the ring,
but the underlying issue has not been addressed.
The drama of fighting can be a strong emotional
bond and can begin to glue the relationship,
making it easy to stay on the Merry-Go-Round.
Emotionally unhealthy men create an “alter reality”
that women start to believe after a while, which
also keeps them on the Merry-Go-Round. For instance,
he may tell you that he doesn’t need to drink
so much, he’s just stressed after a tough day,
or he tells you the only reason he keeps blowing
up and walking out of the room is because you
keep bringing up the same issue over and over.
Q: What are the basic steps necessary in making
a relationship deal?
A: Remember that it starts with you, not the
relationship. Before you go on a first date,
you need to know what’s important to you: children,
money, involvement with family, commitment to
career, and so on. You have to negotiate for
what you want throughout the relationship, because
as we change, the deal changes. A healthy relationship
is flexible and the deal can always be re-negotiated.
Q: There might be times when we find ourselves
in a relationship for a specific reason, like
great sex. As long as both people feel the relationship
is working for them, is it healthy to stay in
this kind of relationship?
A: Yes! It’s your life—not your pastor’s or
your rabbi’s or your mother’s. As long as it
fits your needs and is not self-destructive or
destructive to others, it’s fine. You are in
the driver’s seat of your own life.
Q: How do we know when it’s time to break the
deal and get out of a relationship that isn’t
working?
A: When there’s the sense that the present is
unfulfilling and that the future is all you have
to hope for, it’s time to break the deal. When
you find yourself spending an excessive amount
of time worrying about relationship problems
such as arguments or whether or not he’s going
to change, rather than living your life and feeling
about yourself the way you want to, you need
to get out of that relationship. If you feel
now that when you look back at the end of your
life, it wasn’t all it could have been, it’s
time to make a change.
|
